Forbidden Fantasies
by Valyemma
Summary: Hotohori feels he may be trying to fulfill his duty to his country and the girl who loves him, but not to his own heart.


**Disclaimer :** I don't own Fushigi Yuugi. Yuu Watase does.

**Rating : **R. (For sexual content)

**Genre : **Hotohori's PoV, general, drama.

**Notes:** Written while a moment of blue. I love writing PoVs.

Rather short and not great, but oh well...

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** Forbidden Fantasies **

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_Our eyes are locked into each others's, and I can't move. I don't know what to think and do anymore..._

_My heart aches... You make me feel like I've broken something precious, inestimable... Your glance is so lifeless, but I wonder if there is a tiny spark of soul inside of you. At least you wont judge me._

_I sometimes want to be like you - you cannot feel pain, grief or all these of what my life has been filled with. I have never done anything wrong, not until now... This was for duty. I did it for duty! To prevent my country from falling!_

_So, I release myself with a long and quiet sigh, and I close my eyes..._

_---_

_Images of what happened one hour ago draw themselves into the darkness of my eyelids. Her hair spilled around her head, her face turned on the side revealing a delicate neck, and lips breathing moans under me._

_This vision of her haunts me... From that angle, she looks like Miaka. Her hair suddenly change from purple to auburn and... and her voice..._

_A so painfully delicious friction travels down to my groin as she groans and writhe beneath me and I feel climax coming closer... Oh Suzaku! Make this fantasy materialize!_

_I open my eyes before my arousal get unsupportable. Our eyes converge again and my heart flutter... Miaka, if only you were here... If only Houki were you... I'm ashamed to look at those black eyes... as if they were yours and you were there looking at me..._

_Ah... these feelings are disorienting me._

_This bear you gave me is like accusing me of cheating on you ... and accusing me of cheating on my wife by fantasizing on another woman while our wedding night. Little bear, believe me, I am not like this. I feel too much love for Miaka to chase her from my mind, and too much respect for my wife to cry out in passion some other's name. And that aches!_

_I, who wished to fly free, I am now loosing my freedom to think... Oh, Miaka... just your presence could make me so happy._

_- - -_

_I pour myself some cold tea and carefully slip from the bed, to not wake her up. I need to be alone. After I drink my tea, and put on my night clothes, all I need now is some fresh air._

_I turn over and look at my wife's sleeping form... In the dark, she makes me think of my love._

_If only..._

_I grab the bear and clutch it against me. I missed you all day! But I just could not take you with me today, do you understand?_

_iI did it for duty.../i_

_I go out of my room and walk downstairs towards my private gardens. The night is fresh... I have heard that in Hokkan, it is snowing a lot._

_I wonder how they're going... how she's going... I hope they're protecting her. Nuriko and Tamahome are there. Tamahome..._

_I hope she's not too cold, and that she will not get ill. Anyway, Mitsukake is there. And Miaka won't let herself down by a cold._

_I reassure myself by thinking that if in any case something dreadful happened to her, I would have been immediately informed._

_I smile bitterly as memories flashes back... When she got that illness. I still had hope these days; I thought that the fact of the both of us being so close for so many days would shape new feelings for each others... They strengthened mine for her, they strengthened hers for him. And I wish she could have loved me like that._

_I still can feel her small body against mine while the long hours of riding, smell the perfume of her hair, hear her stomach growling and look at her blush._

_Back then, life could not be any sweeter. How many times I restrained myself from embracing her as she was sitting between my arms. Often, she'd fall asleep against my chest._

_Never the world looked so beautiful to me. Maybe I should have tried harder..._

_That wouldn't had been fair to Tamahome. But he had to keep his promise to her..._

_I had a chance, and let it slip between my fingers. If I had done it... If I could... Maybe at this very moment, we would make love over and over again until dawn._

_Or maybe when... that night we were finally alone in her room. I had the chance to see a part of her nude body, and that's why I threw myself towards her so quickly. I remember the tiny shiver and gasp escaping when my lips brushed her skin._

_Had I not been so eager, had I given her more time to dry her tears and then have an adequate talk with her, maybe now..._

_But no. I jumped on her and nearly forced myself upon her.I should have let her more time, and I would not have to had to leave her alone with her thoughts... Because she fell asleep and dreamed a lot of Tamahome..._

_I have been too selfish..._

_- - -_

_Images of her nudity were haunting me every single night for weeks. Torturing my heart and body with dreams that even my wildest immature wet dreams had not the comparable intensity._

_For this first night with a woman who was not her... That's surely why I... could keep on doing it. Keep on letting Houki do her duty._

_Sometimes just closing your eyes can make things happen._

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**Notes :** So there... 

Thanks to Maria to beta read and edit this piece.

I hope you enjoyed it despite it has been quickly written. (And I think my style is a little pretentious in this one ;)

Anyway, dude, I love writing POVs, I have a few others in work. And I hope they'll be better than this one.

There's two Hotohori ones (of course... sweatdrops) a continuation to The Wolf's Cry, and I am trying to re-write "The Best Enemy in the World" (One Tasuki x Tamahome fic)

Please not that, inversely to The Wolf's Cry, no sequel will be written. So do not ask me to write more, this is useless.

_**Constructive criticism and comments are more than welcomed. I have the intention to work on other PoVs.**_


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